Whoa

I had an overwhelming experience yesterday. And I'm still processing it. But I also have a sense of hope through this that I haven't had in a long time.

This has been a tough season of my life. We have been so isolated here in the ministry.

I've also been really questioning my call as a woman in ministry. Even though I know what God Himself has told me, I also hear the voice of leaders in our denomination telling me that I can't be who I am called to be. So I live under that constant tension, confusion and pressure.

Those who know me well will tell you I have not been myself for a while. So yesterday I decided to join a Bible Study group that was recommended by a local counselor. It meets on Tuesdays, which is my day off campus.

But what I found at this study caught me off guard. First of all, the teacher was this dear, funny lady who has been in full-time ministry for over 21 years. She also happens to be 84 years old, and talks about God in such a warm, personal way that it's as if He is standing next to her in the room.

The group ranged in age from early 20s through senior adults. But there was something unique about them from the moment I walked in. They were so REAL and transparent. Each lady was at a different point in her journey, but it was so clear that they were deeply in love with Christ and had a reverence for the Word of God.

They were also not afraid to speak openly and freely. There were questions asked and statements made that I had never heard in a Bible Study before. Raw, genuine questions like, "why does the Bible teach that premarital sex is wrong?"

I realized that most of these women had come to Christ later in lives and were free from the influences of church culture. Since they were at all different stages of their walk, and did not know yet how to play the Christian "game", there were no questions/comments that were off limits. It was SOOOO refreshing.

It also occurred to me that they had not yet been given the list of "THOU SHALT NOTS FOR WOMEN" that those of us who have grown up in church have lived under. Every single woman in that room was plugged into ministry of some sort, even though they were all wives and mothers and some were even fairly new believers. There was no wrestling with "Can I do this if I'm female?" or "should I wait until I'm more grounded in my faith?" There was this general attitude of "how can I keep from sharing what God has done in my life?!!!!"

We were studying the parable of the Good Samaritan. We had just passed the part where the man was beaten up, and began discussing the role of the thieves in the story. We all agreed that they represent satan, who has come to "steal, kill and to destroy." We discussed how satan's goal is to defeat us and keep us from fulfilling God's call on our life.

But the next part hit me between the eyes. The teacher said, "Did you notice where the next source of pain comes from, though? Who ignored the man when he was at his point of greatest need? How often do you see the Law and the Church abandoning the hurting Christian?"

That did it. I started to sob. Thirty seven years of deep wounds started to come out. That was me. I have felt such pain from my church and denomination.

I realized these women have a freedom in Christ that I don't. They don't even have a concept of what I mean when I speak of the bondage I feel as a woman in the church. I couldn't even really voice it. I just sobbed.

Do you know what they did next, though? They did not treat me like a freak for breaking down. They didn't scold me for being too emotional or for stating that church authorities can be hurtful and mean.

They surrounded me and laid hands on me and prayed for me.

I can't tell you what that was like.

I realized something yesterday. We didn't spend the majority of our time in there talking about the opinions of biblical authorities, or the accomplishments of noted personalities, or church doctrine, or programs, or church history, or philosophy.

We talked about God. We discussed how amazing, wonderful, loving, graceful, kind, patient, creative and personal He is. And when our eyes were looking up, rather than vertical, there was such freedom in Christ, not bondage.

I'm still not really sure what happened yesterday. My head is still spinning. But I want what those women have. And I want to find that freedom to be who I am called to be by my Lord and Savior.