NINETEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN By Dave Barry
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
19. Your friends love you anyway.
5 comments:
Oops, I guess I don't do so well with #15 - I always expect people to celebrate my birthday like I'm just turning 5. Party!
Actually, I'm 13 on my birthday.
That's my shoe size and it's a lot more worthy of celebration than my age fer cryin' out loud.
Life teaches a lot of other lessons as you go on. You'll find prunes around the house, but they must never be eaten while famished.
Note to young people: don't let mom brush your hair when she's mad at dad.
40? I'm pretty sure I have some socks that are older than 40.
On my feet.
Dear Mrs. Cherry,
What a fun list! I plan to live until 106, so that I can celebrate our country's tri-centenniel. That means I will not be "middle aged" until age 53 in 2024!
I just dropped by your blog to make sure you weren't going all emotional on anything! :)
Love in Christ,
Jeff
As one of the "young" men honored in this post I felt the compulsion to respond to the 19 things I "learned" in the 40 short years I have been alive.
1. Never, under any circumstances, saran wrap a police car.
2. Never put the straw in the soda you just bought while it is sitting between your legs when you are in a car. If spillage occurs then you look like you've just done #1. If the spillage is bad then it looks like #1 and a weak #2.
3. Hobbies are for wimps. OCD's are the way to go.
4. Sometimes, the most refreshing thing to do is to yell "Jesus loves you" in a crowded elevator.
5. Everybody needs to try on, at least once, a rhinestone jumpsuit like the one Elvis wore and do their best impersonation of him.
6. Remember...confusion is just a state of mind.
7. An under-appreciated spiritual gift if the gift of sarcasm.
8. Craziness is not all it's cracked up to be.
9. You've never seen me dance so you might care.
10. Never pee on an electric fence.
11. More people would believe their fortune if the fortune cookie tasted better.
12. The most destructive force in the universe is a 3year old jacked up on Mt. Dew.
13. 3 things we will never find the answer to until Jesus comes back...1) How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop 2) Why did anybody consider Gary Coleman cute 3) If a person is diagnosed with multiple personalities and at the same time suffers from narcolepsy, do all personalities fall asleep and if they do, do they fall alseep at the same time?
14. Always remember my fellow men, any women, if she is mad enough, can beat the crap out of any man. So play nice.
15. Getting a gift for your birthday is great. Giving a gift just because is even better.
16. I own the road.
17. A really fun thing to do is to protest a protest.
18. Always be nice to the waiter/waitress. Remember...he/she is the one serving your food. Get the point.
19. Be thankful for the grace of God.
Romey,
I have actually seen #2 happen live and in color.
I was on a first date in college, and we decided to swing by Sonic and get two of those huge drinks because they were on sale at that hour.
We were having a great conversation, except that he was nervous and kept moving his straw up and down in the cup. All of a sudden, his eyes grew as big as saucers and he immediately stopped talking.
He had poked a hole in the bottom of his cup, and Sprite was pouring into his lap.
Needless to say, the date ended rather abruptly at that point. :)
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