A recent post on my friend Tim's blog got me thinking. Who am I? Have I accomplished what I had hoped by this stage in my life? Have I really found where I fit in the big picture?
It's strange--all my childhood I strove towards achieving this ultimate goal of adulthood, but upon reaching it, found it rather anti-climactic. I love being a Mom and really enjoy campus ministry. But on the inside, I question my capabilities sometimes.
I still don't even feel like a "grown-up". I keep waiting for this magic moment when I will finally arrive. That point where I have wisdom, maturity, can parent with grace and flair, and breeze through ministry knowing just exactly what to do and say in every situation. I had imagined that by 37 I would be further along than this.
But the truth is, I still spend a lot of my time crying "Help!!!" to God. I don't know exactly how to navigate through ministry. It's a day-to-day thing for me, and I spend a lot of time on my face seeking direction. I'm just thankful that He is a graceful, patient and very ever-present God. There is NO WAY I could ever have made it this far without Him.
Even in parenting, there are days I stop and look at my kids and think, "What was God thinking? Couldn't He have found someone more capable to be their mother? They deserve better!!!"
And like Tim, I struggle with pressure from the worldly standards for success. I also had high expectations for my future, and was serious about academics. As a woman, I have battled the added pressure to be skinny, charming, graceful and beautiful. (But unfortunately, I didn't come with the tall and svelte, socially elegant DNA package!!!)
I often find myself caught in the "significance" trap--looking for validation and approval from others. However, that hope will always dissapoint, because it is not the true source of our value. It only causes a downward spiral into self-deprecation.
In reality, the only opinion that really matters is GOD's opinion. He says we are chosen, dearly loved, called, forgiven, fearfully and wonderfully made, powerful, holy, righteous, valueable, capable, purposeful, precious, mighty, beautiful, rich, and destined for greatness. He has made us intentionally to accomplish a very specific task. We have an intricately designed personality, spirit and set of gifts that are totally unique and special. Nothing about us is accidental. We are not mistakes. We are amazing creations of an Almighty God, who will one day be fully complete and whole when we are united forever with Him in Heaven.
WOW!!! 'nuff said.
5 comments:
Kiki,
You are so right about the "significance trap." We all have our areas where we are vulnerable to falling into the trap of looking to others for validation. For me, I have an intrinsic need for people to respect me. To be honest, one of the reasons that I blog is that I get that respect from many of my fellow bloggers. Generally that respect serves as an encouragement, but I have to be constantly on guard that I don't let it grow into pride. I also have to make sure that I don't allow my sense of worth to be based on the respect I get from others; otherwise, I will ultimately be disappointed, not to mention I will also miss out on the blessing that comes from looking to God as the source of my significance.
Until I read your post I never really considered the role gender plays in all of this. As a man I don't have a lot of pressure to maintain a certain appearance. However, I have the pressure of expectations that I be the main provider for our family, which is an area where according to society's standards I fall short (as my parents and my wife's parents both remind me occasionally). I guess that's one of the areas where I'm prone to getting down on myself, that I've never been a good provider. But then I remind myself that God is our true provider, and He's never let us down.
Two quick things:
1) I often find myself, as a Sunday School Teacher, thinking, "Merciful God, is this truly the best this church can do for teachers?" But that is a whole lot better than thinking, "Whoa! They don't come much better than me!"
Same sort of thing applies to parenting, I think.
2) Maybe Tim doesn't have a lot of pressure to maintain a certain appearance. I, however, have to dress a certain way or they'll take away my Official Redneck membership card.
I think many of us can connect and identify with what you and Tim write. When does one "arrive" at what one believes is the reason God put us here on earth?
My own way of understanding "My Place in the Big Picture" is to see life as chapters. It has been interesting to observe that my life seems to take place in chapters that are around five years long. And then comes another change, another chapter.
One book that really spoke powerfully to me along these lines is "The Sacred Romance" by Brent Curtis & John Eldredge. He has a way of really helping to understand that our lives are stories. We are writing the story of our life as we go along. A journey of the heart--something many of us have left behind in our pursuit of efficiency, success, and even Christian service.
Do get hold of a copy of this wonderful book. It was a huge encouragement to me personally.
Kiki,
You have expressed EXACTLY how I feel....I have said those same words about your struggles and questions. Thank you for your words of encouragmenet. God used you today to bless me. I wish we lived closer....I have so many things I'd love to talk with you face to face about.
love,
angie
Great post. I loved discovering your blog today! You have such a wonderful heart for the Lord.
I will be 35 in July and I still feel young too... :)
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