Does anyone else ever feel like they are going through a long "winter" season of their life? Not a significant period of trial or suffering. Just a general tone of gray.
Maybe this is my "mid-life crisis." But for about the past three months, I have struggled to find a real sense of identity and security in ministry.
That perplexes me. God continues to do really cool things on our campus. I see evidence of His hand almost every day.
But I can't seem to find my usual passion and excitement in what I do. I feel very lost and ineffective and ungrounded, like I'm floating through this vast universe without finding a place to land.
Perhaps it's because we haven't really found a church home. Or maybe it's the current problems in our convention, which have shaken my security to the core.
Maybe it's just that I've come through an intense period of healing after dealing with baggage from the past. I do feel emotionally exhausted.
Or perhaps it's because we work on such a dark campus, and pour so much of ourselves into the ministry. Yet we so seldom see anyone come to Christ. We empty ourselves out constantly, but have few places to refill.
Whatever it is, I know that one of these days the sun is going to break through the clouds, and Spring will have arrived.
But for the time being, I can only keep straining my eyes towards the Light, and believe that He is still there beyond the clouds. I will wait in anticipation for the day the clouds break apart and the warmth and sun shine through again.
10 comments:
Kiki,
We were in one for the last 3 years. Henry Blackaby's words helped me in Spiritual Leadership--"God doesn't want us committed to Him, He wants us submitted." That is where we are. We left Mobile broke ($$) and broken. I have been humbled beyond what I would have ever imagined. Blackaby also says that after times of Spiritual dryness that God is about to do something great in your life. I'll bet God is preparing you and your family for something big!
KB
Without the winter time, roots do not grow deep. If green leaves showing "obvious" growth on a continuoual basis, we would grow complacent. We've been there before, and will probably be there again. Keep doing what you know He wants you to do and leave the changes of seasons to Him.
BTW - Merry Bday!
They say seminary is the driest time in your life. They say if you'll be attacked, in any and every way, it will happen in seminary. I don't know if they meant specifically in New Orleans or not, but they've been right. I think there are nuances to that statement that I learn every day. The problem is, I went through a Dark Night before I got to seminary. Kevin was there. Now I don't feel as though God has left me, like I did in 2003, but I do feel lonely. Time outside of New Orleans is rough; time in a town which feels like its abandoned me is harder. I stay on the road a lot for that reason. Sooner or later, I'm going to get to this book I bought shortly after Katrina: Dark Night of the Soul by St. John of the Cross (translated by Mirabai Starr). I think it will help.
Just look at the picture you posted Kiki. It's deep winter...but what beauty!
I know what your saying, Kiki. Since we felt called to start searching for a new ministry position so long ago now, it has felt that way. Even now that I know something is on the horizon (of course, I've been there before), Satan wants to steal that excitement and anticipation and attack the harder. I believe the phrase is, "It's always darkest before the dawn".
And yet, the faith that we hope for and do not see in this moment calls out to us that one day we will see. Until then we can be blessed when we do not see and yet believe.
I sometimes call it "Living on Easter Saturday". I don't even have the album, but one of my favorite songs is by Caedmon's Call--"Valley's Fill First". Here's the lyrics:
This is the vally that i'm walking through
And if fells like forever since
I've been close to you
My friends up above me don't
understand why i struggle like i do
My shadow's my only,only companion
and at night he leaves too
Down in the valley, dying of thirst
Down in the valley, it seems that i'm at my worst
My consolation is that you baptize this earth
When I'm down in the valley, valleys fill first
Down in this wasteland I miss the
mountaintop view
But it's here in this valley that
i'm surrounded by you
Though I'm not here by my will
it's whre your view is the most clear
So I'll stay in this valley it takes 40 years
And it's like that long Saturday
your death and the rising day
When no one wrote a word,
wondered is this the end
But you were down there in the
well, saving those that fell
Bringing them to the mountain again
So often it's when a person feels spiritually "dry" that they end up seeking God all the more.
You are fighting an uphill battle on a college campus. Don't be discouraged by the fact that you aren't seeing a lot of conversions. You may find that your ministry bears fruit later in those students' lives. You may be there to plant, not to harvest--and one is just as legitimate a role as the other.
Romans 8:28 tells us that if we do our part, He is faithful to do His part. It doesn't say we'll necessarily enjoy the journey, or find any sense of satisfaction in our part. But, He does want us to find satisfaction in Him. 1 Chronicles 29:11-12 certainly helps me keep everything in perspective. Maybe it'll minister to you as well.
As I've shared with you before, Kiki, I'm going through one of these season now. At 33 I don't think mine's a mid-life crisis, but more a case of continually feeling "frustrated, irritated, disconnected from it all" (seems strange that lyrics from a song by a 17-year-old girl describe my life). While I try to remain hopeful and excited about the new place of service God is preparing for me, my current situation continues to drag me down. I have even reached the point where my passion for preaching and teaching is being affected. Unfortunately, my nature leads me to become more introspective and withdrawn during times like this, even when it comes to my relationship with God. I feel so distant from Him at times, yet I continually see His working in my life. (OBVIOUS STATEMENT COMING!) He is much better to me than I have any right to expect.
Strangely enough, all the mess going on in the SBC has actually been one of the brighter things in my life recently because I feel like I am involved in a greater purpose.
Good to know I'm not alone in my winter. My first year in Nashville last year I had my first experience with "winter blues". Living in Southern California most of my late-teens and adult life, winter meant green, alive and beautiful. Here it means brown and "dead-looking" and... not-so-beautiful. I was ready to shoot myself by mid-February. By mid-March I was driving down the streets yelling at trees to "wake up!! Get dressed!! It's spring already! WAKE UP!!!"
I think the Nashvillians were ready to shoot me! Or at least put me in a nice little padded room with a pretty white jacket...
Sometimes I want to yell at God. "WAKE UP! Where's my Spring! Enough with the winter and the grey and the 'sleeping' and the nakedness..."
Joe and I have been talking on my blog about having a sense of "entitlement"/expecting things from God that he never actually promised... There are many times I feel like John the Baptist in prison, wondering why Jesus hasn't rescued me. Sometimes I despair. Scratch that. MANY times I despair.
But you know what? The truth is, I live for Jesus and nothing else anymore. He's the only reason I live now. Not in that churchy way, either... I mean in the gritty, bloody, real life way. If He never comes; if He never "rescues" me from my winter... in the end it won't matter. Its still going to be worth it. He's still with me in this winter. He's still there in the grey, in the fog, in the sleeping naked trees. And even in my despair. I may despair, but I will never be abandoned. He IS my Beloved and I know He is for me.
I guess maybe I've finally hit that "wall" that runners/marathoners speak of.... if that makes sense.
Lu,
I enjoy running, so I know EXACTLY what you mean by that wall!!
What you wrote is so true, although sometimes I'm just a big weanie and don't want to have to go through any more gray.
You have an incredible perspective. Thanks for sharing.
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